Hope Deferred. Longing Fulfilled.

Six years ago, at 7:30 am on June 10th, this happened.Image

It was a miracle, just as every birth of a baby is.  The difference was, this time I really knew that.  Joy.  Joy.  Joy.  That’s what we felt.

In February of 2005, I went to the OB for a regular 10 week check up.  She couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat and an ultrasound confirmed it -a loss.  I remember those days following were a fog for me.  I remember waiting for surgery, the nurse asking me about SHARE burial.  I remember walking into the OR, lying on the table, the doctor’s last words I heard as I faded into that numbing bliss, “embryonic demise.”

My hope was that we could put this behind us as quickly as possible, get pregnant, have a baby, sprint through the pain.  But, it didn’t happen that way.   It was the slow walk of grief.  Sadness, anger, deeeeeeeeeeepression.  Clearly, things were more complicated than before and that baby I was longing for…it remained a longing.  We had two healthy, amazing, children, so people seemed to think I should just be fine.  But, I was NOT fine.  I was a mom who had lost a baby.  I was deeply sad.   Life was clearly not in my control.  I could not bring life forth. I could not keep a baby from slipping away.  Life was a gift and it was to be held loosely.

Time happened.   Felt like a long, long, long, time.

But, a year and a half later we found out we were pregnant again.  I was terrified.  My anxiety went through the roof.  I tried so hard to protect my heart, knowing how little I was in control.  But once again, life happened.    A baby was born.

A big (10 lb) beautiful baby boy screamed his way into this world, delivered by his father’s hands.  He captured our hearts at first glance. Proverbs 13:12  Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.    And that, my friends, had never been more true.

I often think about that time of loss and hope deferred.  My heart had never been more sick.  The longing and hope felt like it was tearing me apart.  Looking back, I still wouldn’t choose that experience.  Barbara Kingsolver, in her book Animal Dreams, said this

. A miscarriage is a natural and common event.  All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t.  Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, and so people imagine that a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime:  how old would your child be now?   And she’ll know.

So we lost someone.  It really hurt.    But that small person who finally  joined our crazy family was the person I had been longing for.  Will Harrison.  One big bundle of joy and fire- all in one.  He makes my heart sing.  He made our family complete.  So the pain, it was there and it was part of it. It’s part of me.  But I couldn’t outrun it, so I had to wade through it.  And though not every story has a happy ending, this one does.

No, not an ending.  A happy beginning.



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