I’ve come to a place of peace in this darkness.   I’m ok with the questions, the doubts and the uneasy spaces.  But there is one thing that is hard to get used to.

It’s lonely.

There is something so isolating about letting go of a faith you knew and staying with the growing pains that continue to throb in the night.  The things that brought you security don’t blanket you with warmth and you aren’t sure where your prayers go.   Often they seem to echo off of the walls and disappear into the void.    There is no visible hand to grasp.  Your prayer is that someone, somewhere, wherever, whoever is holding you.   You really hope.

Lack of answers and a faith disturbed are lonely spaces.

The words are few.  They seem caught in a dam.  The blog is quiet.   The flow of life is stilled. 

But I’m here.

Something about the summer months propel you into wandering- off  schedule and pulled in all sorts of directions.  The long runs that allowed me to work out these thoughts are few and far between.  And truthfully, I am never ever alone.  Even as I type, I am called to watch this and listen to that.  I’ve lost my summer self into their lives. 

So crowded and so alone.

But, this is the work.

The work is to be here and allow it to happen.  Be lonely.  Be off schedule.  Allow the flow to still.  Let the spaces you find yourself in be what they are. 

Watch and listen.

Be at peace.   For now.