Sometimes I just want to give life the finger.

Like right now.    Take that, LIFE. 

Some of you are like, whatever.   Some of you can’t believe I would say that.

But it’s true.   I’m mad.

I have so much to say thank you for.  For my home, my family, the food that is always on my table.   Always on my table.   i have not forgotten that, you don’t have to remind me.  For my clothes, my bed, my everything.  I know I live with abundance.

But let’s be real, that isn’t what we live for.   For our family, yes.  For our stuff- no.   Just no.

Why so angry?

I’ll tell you why.

I’m still not over the grad school loss.   It still stings when I see those words on the screen of my memory, “We are sorry.…”  It’s all I had planned for the year and after the rejection I knew I was going to have to pick myself up and dive into something else.  No sense wallowing for too long, not going to fix anything. What I had was my marathon.  The NYC marathon.   I had the time and energy to train and so I have given it my complete focus.  Those many hours of pounding the pavement have been just what I’ve needed.  It’s a chance to clear my head and discipline my body.  It’s a way of getting out the anxiety and feeling like I’ve accomplished something.  It means something to me, at the end of the day, to say to myself “Way to go on those 16 miles, Lisa.  I bet you never thought you could do that.”   It’s how I’ve coped.   Other things continued to surface as the last few months went on.  Parenting has been tough.  Really tough.

So on Friday after my longest run of my training, I was in a good place.  It was so hard, but I did it.  I wanted to give up on each step after mile 13, but I didn’t.    Each week, adding that extra mile I never thought I could do.  I was tired, but I was grateful.  I had done what I needed to do.  It was 6 more weeks and I knew I was so close.  Run or walk, I don’t care.   I’m checking this thing off my bucket list and I’m doing it in a city that I love.

But  there was a twinge, and then an ache.  I knew it was time to get out the ice. By Friday evening, my foot was hurting.  I enjoyed spending the evening with the youth at the Barnstormers game, but it was constantly there.  I found an icepack while still at the game and threw it over the top of my foot.   I was thinking that a little pain was worth it.  It happens.

On Saturday morning I woke up with a throbbing foot.   No more pretending.  Clearly, I wasn’t going to will it away.  Throughout the day it wouldn’t quit and by the evening I started realizing I was in trouble.  Each time I put weight on it,  the foot just screamed.  Sunday morning, more ice.   Sunday evening- feeling defeated.   

Monday morning, time to call the doctor.

I’m sure you’ve all done it.  You have a pain or a symptom and you google it to find out.  What could be wrong with me?   Over and over I see those words…

stress fracture, stress fracture, stress fracture….   All signs point this way.

So by tomorrow afternoon I should know.  Can I run or will I have to let it go?   Either way, my foot has made the decision and at this point I’m along for the ride.

But Life, if I have to give this marathon up- I really don’t like you right now.  And if you seeing me giving you gestures you think 39 year olds should not be giving, 

Too bad.

(I’ll know by tomorrow.  But for today, I feel better letting this all out.  So, thanks.)

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