I’ve been writing for so long, I decided I should actually open the laptop, pick up a pen, find a way- whatever- just do it.
The words always come at the wrong time. That thin time while your head is on the pillow and you are moving between being awake and slipping into sleep. They come when I’m driving and absorbed by the things I’ve tried to put off thinking about but now I’m stuck behind the wheel. They come when I’m out on a run and finally releasing the tension of the day. I’m sprinting or I’m dragging. Doesn’t matter if I’m feeling like a marathoner or a complete mess, when my feet are pounding the pavement, the words are flowing. I bring all those thoughts, from all those inopportune times, right in front of the computer and mostly I sit here and watch them just slip back away into nothingness.
Tonite, it’s the fear that we did this all wrong. We left our family and we left our friends. We never felt at home in Lancaster and I always had that pull back to a bigger city and more diverse setting, but maybe it’s just too late for that anymore. We had a warm welcome here from our friendly neighbors, but they are all so busy with their own lives. I have figured out that most of the moms have careers outside the home and I wonder where they go all day. They are teachers and psychologists. They work in HR and they own their own businesses. The kids going off to their weekly sports camps. I’m walking my kids to the pool and I see the babysitters with the other small children. Did I do that all wrong too? Why didn’t I care more during those college years? Why didn’t I plan out a career of my own? Do I have anything to offer?
When that life anxiety gets so BIG like THIS, I’m tempted to crawl into my own children’s beds and just watch them sleep. My babies that are growing so fast, we can look each other straight in the eye. They are funny, they are smart and they are beyond creative. But will they be ok here? Will they sit alone at lunch? Will they find their way to class?
WILL I EVER SLEEP AGAIN?
Things are so different, yet nothing, nothing has changed. The same thoughts that I lay in bed with here, I wrestled with them all night some nights, back in Lancaster. Different view and different cast of characters- but the plot hasn’t changed and the main actors remain the same. Here we are. Not the same. But, the same.
I’m finding that writing has become more urgent for me. Moving put my life and energy on hold for so long. The energy still isn’t there but the writing can’t wait. I have to write to figure this out. So this way the words make it on the page and stop the floating in space around and around and around around where they end up back in my head anyway. I’m falling asleep, I’m slipping into dreamland and then all of a sudden I see all the mom’s driving off in their cars to their well planned lives and BOOM, I’m awake. Am I supposed to be figuring this all out? I’m no good at this. I wasn’t at 18 and I’m sure as hell not any better at it at 40. If anything, I’ve spent the time unlearning everything I thought I knew.
My insides churn and threaten to explode. I’m reminded how life just circles and circles, this happens every month. The physical is always bringing my dreaming mind back to the ground. I want to curl up in a ball but I know a hefty dose of ibuprofen is the only cure. Every time. Every month. And there go the emotions, just spiraling for No! Good! Reason! No matter- here, there, everywhere, I’m the same. There’s gotta be a gift here, I just can’t quite see through the haze right now.
If your a good friend of mine and you’re thinking- I knew it. Please don’t tell me. Just tell me I’m not alone. Just remind me that you’re the same and so am I. Remind me that wherever you’re at and wherever I’m at, it’s all enough.
My kids sleeping safely and soundly in their beds, this very night, it is enough.
Me, no career, just the urge to write, run, and love my family, it is enough.
A wide open future for whatever is next, it will be enough.
Relating to all of you in new ways, it is enough.
The gift of this moment, whatever it will be, that gift- enough.