If I started a list, it could go on and on forever. I’ve got a ridiculous amount of things to be grateful for in my life. And I don’t just mean “stuff.” I mean people, opportunity, experience, travel, education, and enough material goods to last me for a long time. House, car, heat, water, blah, blah, blah. I know I have no right to complain.
I also could make a list of hard things I’ve powered through. Eating disorder, miscarriage, a child that struggles immensely, not getting into the grad school program I dreamed of, and honestly, lots of other little things. This list is much smaller than the grateful list and the truth that overrides it all is that I have never had to deal with any of this alone. Back to that people thing I’m grateful for. But I also am a firm believer that even though my struggles may be a drop in the bucket compared to many in this world, they are still mine. They are real.
So this is what I’ve established-
I’ve been given much more than I need.
I’ve got nothing to complain about.
I am grateful.
But, if you take me off of my medication for depression, none of those three things matter.
In those dark days I was plagued with the thoughts that I had more than I needed and yet why was it that I could barely pick up a plate or get off the couch? What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I get past that thought and just pick myself up and be ok? It would drive me crazy. I felt helpless and hopeless. My world felt small and everything hurt. I remember one specific time when Drew picked up the phone to call the doctor and made the appointment for me. A) The phone was hard to pick up. B) I couldn’t even speak because every time someone answered I would start sobbing. So annoying. I hated it.
The process is complicated. There is so much to take into consideration. There is physical health, life situations, or causes aside from those. But let’s fast forward to the time we figured out what worked for me and I can tell you exactly what happened, I started living again.
Depression isn’t a result of ungratefulness.
Depression isn’t a bad day.
Depression isn’t a way to get out of things you don’t want to do.
Depression makes no sense.
I’m in a good place in my mental health. This is a good thing because we’ve had quite an up and down year. And we moved in the midst of it all. But, I can tell you that listening to others and watching them struggle, it brings those hard days right back to me. I remember when it was too hard to make the simplest decisions and how relieved I was when someone would make them for me.
Just clearing things up here. Just talking because those of us who have been there need to talk about it. Talk removes the stigma, I’m sure of it.
For those who don’t struggle with depression, I get it- it’s hard to understand. But for those that do – I get you.
And if nothing else, what a relief to be understood.