Late this afternoon I stood in our front yard, playing catch with my youngest.    The air had a chill and carried the scent of Fall with it as the wind picked up and blew crackling leaves around my feet.    The sun was going down and the light shone through the colorful trees in all the right places.    The world felt so right.    I took a deep breath and soaked it all in because I knew I may need this moment to come back to later.   And boy, was I ever right.  

1:30 am now and my chest is constricted so tightly, sleeping feels forever out of reach.    I’ve been trying and it refuses to allow me into its blissful relief.  

I had to lay with Josh tonite in order to get him to fall asleep.   He had been wired and extra talkative all day.    As the election results rolled in and his gabbing became more feverish, he got down on the floor, grabbed me by leg and begged me not to send him to bed.   It took me all  that time to see that this is what his anxiety looked like.   He was a curled up ball at my feet.   

Later after a long drawn out process did he finally give into sleep.    I then walked up the winding steps to tuck Abbey in.  I found her on the bed, awake and full of questions. She begged me to massage the kink in her neck that had  continued to pull tighter and tighter throughout the day.   She was hurting.  

When finally alone with Drew we both just looked at each other and the tv  and kept saying HOW, WHY, WHO until our frustration launched into full blown anger.  I realized that the white evangelical vote just widened the gap between me ever getting my husband to cross the entrance of a church again.   Our anger just flew as arrows shot randomly out and continued to land in each other.      

I’m left with the truth that as a white person I do not need to fear tomorrow just as I have never had to wake up afraid.   There has never been hate and anger breathing down my neck as it has been for my non white,  non Christian, non middle class, disabled, gay, and refugee friends.    The heat has been turned up and I’m left standing to face them as they wonder where their place is in the land of the free.    Free, only for some, after a night like tonite.   

I write this and a push notice comes across my screen.  

Donald Trump is the President elect.  

This is not a fluke or an accident.   This is the voice of the people. 

I have so little to say or give but please know this-

The people who have spoken loud and clear  today do not and will never speak for me.    

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