This battlefield can be pretty damn ugly.

And unfortunately for me, it’s always my own head that’s responsible for all the clean up.

You know the angel and the devil on each shoulder? Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure they’ve taken up residence with me.

There is the rational, calm, thinking things through me. This one that knows that whatever is happening in the moment isn’t determining the rest of me or my child’s life. This is the one that reminds me of the good things that have been happening and all the growth and progress everyone has made. Look, Lisa, it’s all going to be ok in the end. This is only passing. It’s normal. It’s fine. It’s that strong mom that is always reminding the other one how important it is that we stay strong so that our kids have a safe place to come to.

But-

There is that other shoulder. That other mom in my head. This mom spirals with every little thing. This one that notices every time their kid is not invited to a friend’s party or is left out. This is the one that wonders if anyone will ever love their child like they deserve. Also, this is the ridiculous one that loses hope immediately. (Like- So my kid lied to me for the umpteenth time and now he’ll never have a healthy relationship, his life is ruined and is shit, that means he’s going to live in my basement forever.)

The battle never ends.

My head spins and it takes a beating.

Tonite at dinner, after hearing the events of the day, I pretty much waved the white flag. Then I walked upstairs and fell flat on my face on the bed.

This is gonna be a long life.

It’s really not a mom thing. It’s a me thing. It’s a Lisa thing. It’s a telling myself the truth thing. It’s facing things without letting them suffocate me. It’s taking each thing in stride and helping myself and my kids see how we can approach this as a learning experience. It’s knowing that I’ve allowed once voice to be the loudest. It’s up to me to change.

Tonite, it’s a tired thing. With one kid that gets invited to everything and two who don’t, I’m gonna have to choose the mom that keeps it all afloat. I’m looking at you strong, rational mom- you’re gonna need to rise up.

Or maybe this evening I’ll just ask my head for a truce and find a good book.

Deep breath in –

And out…

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